Most mornings I wake up feeling good and confident that something good is going to happen. But this morning I woke up with the idea that something bad was happening somewhere and that I would have to deal with it. Naturally, being the paranoid I am, this had me worrying. I have moon in cancer, so they tell me, and when there is nothing to worry about, I worry about that. So starting the day worrying about what might happen was the logical step for an expert worrier to take.
I am not “paranoid” in the strict sense of the term. Let’s just call it “an overly aware sophisticated seer of all things capable of being damaged.” After all, considering the state of the world, there is a lot to worry about. Amongst worriers there is a class that stands above the crowd, a group of worry-warts that have way too much of their intelligence dedicated to figuring out all the things that can go wrong and defending themselves and those they love from these potential disasters. Certainly preparing for the future is not a fault, but those of us who create intricately detailed schemes to overcome any and all negative situations that could possibly arise at any point in time are not the standard of mental health. Alas, we waste our good brains staying a good distance from trouble. And worse, this endeavor often creates more trouble than we avoid. Such is the plight of the paranoid, oops sorry, the sophisticated seers.
I am not worrying about those who are out to get me since there is not that much to get. I do not worry about death, neither do I concern myself with achievements. I take a been there done that attitude to death and accomplishments. I am sensistive to the gloomy energy hanging heavily in the air. This density increases day by day and today even the weather seems to echo it. I came out of the supermarket today and there a man standing in the street holding his small child was engaged in a heated discussion with a lady sitting in a car. It seems he stood in front of the lady while she was driving to prevent her from moving. The lady was insulted that he assumed she would run into him and insisted on correcting his idea that blocking her way somehow protected his child. I did not want to know the details as I wanted to go home and their energy was rapidly heating up. Even though their rhetoric was still barely within the range of civilized, I could imagine it escalating into physical conflict. No wonder there is conflict in Gaza. Conflict easily flares up in such an atmosphere. It takes great concentration and will to avoid it.
I went to the post office to mail a pile of sample CDs to music production agencies in the hope of having our music included in their libraries. I found myself needling the clerk over the measurements and weights of the packages as I told him they were all the same yet he insisted on measuring them all. Now why didn’t he just trust me? I backed off when I saw I was being obnoxious and I got the eery feeling that I was becoming just like previous customers who had also been obnoxious to this poor fellow. And then he found the one package that was not the same. Instantly, my eery feeling was erased by the “I am a complete idiot” mood that trips me up when I forget myself. I was relieved. He was right and I was wrong and this gave me a great opportunity to apologize and thank him for finding it.
Now this was weird. Here I am being happy that he found fault in me so I would have an excuse to back off of my obnoxious needling. My oh my, how did I get to be so lame? I suppose the climate heavy with that doom and gloom feeling we get when we see all the wealth and possessions we worked so hard to accumulate gradually drain down the tubes is getting to me. I am not independent of this stress for I do not stand alone. I cannot avoid this pressure cooker that seems to take a paranoid brain and compress it into a pea of still to be determined dimension. It is kind of like the old horror movie scene where you lie at the bottom of the pit and the pendulum gets lower and lower ready to slice you in pieces as you die in excrucia… Good God! Change the subject quick!
Now as far as the banana crop in Costa Rica goes, we expect a good year. I like some dogs. Horses are too big for me and they scare me. My wife handed me a rope attached to the very large neck of a very large horse and said, “Hold him while I find more hay.” Pardon me? Hold this monster? And what would I do if he decided to go somewhere? So I just followed him around while he ripped horrific chunks of grass off the field and chomped them into bits with an equally horrific crunching sound. Lord, what if he decided he did not like me and bit me?
And so it goes… Where does it end?
I just told a friend of mine to remember to have fun. “Fun?” he said, “What’s that?” We need to loosen up, relax, have some fun, worry less, depend on God, go with the flow, have faith in humanity, and above all have a faith in ourselves that no matter what, we can deal with it.