I don’t like changes. I want things and people to be stable, dependable, always the same, always happy and above all, always alive. Death is not an option with me. Although I have no problem with dying, no one around me, no one I love, is allowed to die — ever.
If things are always the same, I crack up after a while. Boredom? Or is it the need for change? Why would I need something I don’t want or like? Why do I want something I don’t?
Considering this, it seems I am ok with changes. Let’s put it like this: I like changes that come when I need them to. I have a sticker on my wall that says, “I get what I need when I need it.” Change comes to me when I need it to. Considering this, it makes sense that I, who dislike change, embrace unavoidable change when there is no other viable choice. I could just be upset all the time or throw things in anger (I did that to our fax machine once some years ago when it kept eating paper and ribbons) but that is no fun to do (things cost money) and no one wants to be around a drama king (prince?) Well, not all the time…
There are times when I cannot handle changes. During these times I am forced to consider my life in much greater depth than I had allowed myself to do before. I am definitely not against examining each aspect of my life, but I am not in favor of such examination becoming a constant factor or a hunger. I do it when I need it. If there are no changes in sight, then there is little to examine. When boredom or restlessness hits, changes are welcome relief. When all is well and changes are forced upon me, I must deeply consider why this is happening, what I can do about it, and above all, what is the right thing.
Now that I think about it, I don’t dislike change at all! I love it when things change for the better. Sudden prosperity, good weather, getting together with friends, health improvements, renovating the house and so on are good things. Changes that are beneficial and pleasant are definitely allowed.
Let’s change the topic of this text. Instead of Changes being the title, it is now called:
And I do not like negative changes! No one is allowed to die, money may never be lost, houses must stand forever, friends must be friends forever, youth may never wither…
That is a tough one. Growing old. On top of the list of unwanted changes is growing old. It really does happen. I could not believe it. I look in the mirror and there is this old guy there. Where did he come from? What does he think he is doing in my bathroom? How can I get rid of him? Does he want something from me? I hope not, he looks nasty. Maybe he is rotting and smells bad?
And so I endeavor, day after day, to maintain the status quot in a hopeless battle against this existential monster called time that breaks down everything, tears apart people, and brings changes. As I get older I wonder what is the use of all these endeavors? Where does it end anyway?
And so I go in my meditation room and sit peacefully. At least that never changes.